My next Evil Rises chapter! I hope you like it!!:
(This story is going along by the theory that the Winx reverted back to Enchantix when going back to Magix and get Believix once again when they visit Earth. This story takes place during Season 5)
Evil Rises
Chapter 2: Split Up
“Phew! We’re back! I thought we were goners!” said Stella in an exhausted tone. “Let’s go get the others and warn them!”
So they flew into Alfea.
“Girls? GIRLS???? Are you there?” Bloom asked when they reached the other’s rooms. It seemed like she was talking to air.
“Hello? Is that you Bloom?” Flora asked very quietly.
“Yeah! It’s me! And Stella too! Where are the others?”
“Hiding in their rooms. We were all hid because of the storm. Did it stop?”
“No, no it didn’t.”
“It was Baltor and Darkar!!” yelped Stella abruptly.
“What do you mean???”
“Baltor and Darkar came back. They started the storm.” Bloom said.
“AND THEY RUINED MY MALL!!!!”
“Oh no!! How are we going to defeat them?”
“I don’t know. But we have to try.”
So Bloom, Flora and Stella told the others. Then they all went to Ms.Faragonda’s office.
“So, girls, you think you can stop Baltor and Lord Darkar? Are you sure? They were hard enough by themselves, let alone together!”
“I don’t know how Ms.Faragonda. I really don’t. But I know that we can!” Said Bloom trying to sound confident, but it wasn’t working.
“AHHHH!!!” everyone yelled when lightning struck Alfea.
“What’s happening!?” Musa screamed when she felt the ground cave in under her.
“MUSA!” Layla yelled as she jumped after her.
“I’m coming!” said Bloom. But Stella stopped her.
“If they get hurt, and we follow, so we’ll we. We have to defeat Darkar and Baltor. I’m sure they’ll be fine.”
Bloom started to cry.”But they fell through the ground!”
“They’ll be fine. We have to chase down the guys. We’ll need their help.”
Stella and Bloom ended their conversation and they and the other Winx excluding Musa and Layla went to Red Fountain to get the guys….To be Continued…
(I hope you guys liked it! Once again, leave comments, please! If I get 5 comments, all from different people, I’ll write the next one! Thanks everyone!)
Thanks for reading everyone!
10 years ago
I loved it! Please write more!
ReplyDeleteToo much dialogue. Cut it out and focus on the actual action and emotions the characters are feeling. Cut Stella and "He ruined my mall" crap. She sounds like an idiot. Straighten her priorities.
ReplyDeleteThis is very boring because you don't expand on anything important. There's absolutely no setting, no physical descriptions, no emotional descriptions. Where and when is this story taking place? What time of day? What had they been doing prior to chapter one? Don't give me "Oh, I told you in the notes before reading" and then you point it out to me like I'm the idiot and say its my responsibility. The idea is to minimise your notes. Everything such as setting and timeframe should directly inside the text. If this were an actual book, do you think there would be forenotes before the actual chapter? So, you must assume that we've never read the notes because if not, whatever information then does not exist in the story's continuity and context.
Next, how do the characters feel about everything? Are they scared or angry? Dialogue is not the best way to describe the character's feelings. Stella is a very flat character because her feelings are not humane, or priorities were not in the right place. The readers must be able to relate or understand the character's feelings but that can only happen if we were naturally inclined to if such an even happened to us. Stella is not really one for sarcasm in my mind so if she was being sarcastic, it did not work.
@Kiku
ReplyDeleteThank you for your critiques, but I've never been too good of a writer, nor am I planning to ever be a professional writer. I simply did this for fun and because I was in a creative mood. I apologize for my mistakes and thank you for telling me. I will try to use these suggestions in my next chapter. Thank you.